


I'll Crawl Home to Her

by 4den



Series: The 100 Ficlet Anthology [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Ficlet Collection, I'll add more tags as the series continues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-14
Updated: 2016-01-22
Packaged: 2018-04-14 14:54:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4568706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/4den/pseuds/4den
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jumping on the ficlet train; mostly to combat writer's block.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Toothaches

**Author's Note:**

> Octaven prompt: One is helplessly in love with the other and one messes up.

Three tentative knocks sounded through an apartment riddled with various metal contraptions. Tonight marked the seventh night and at first, the knocks sounded a lot more like a demand. Tonight, however, it was more of a question. When Raven found out, she was hurt to say the least. It shouldn't have mattered, and it certainly shouldn't have bothered her this much, but it did.  
  
And it sucked.  
  
Raven promised herself on the fourth night that she would be brave. She would open that damn door and look Octavia in the face. She would let the younger girl speak, not saying a word herself, and promptly shut the door when she was done talking. Suffice to say, that did not happen. She made it about a quarter of the way through her apartment before she silently collapsed and fell apart as she had done the nights prior. The next day, both Clarke and Lexa showed up at her apartment with a gallon of ice cream, a pile of video games, and two gallons of chocolate milk. The mechanic knew full well how busy the two women were with their jobs and was shocked to see them standing outside her apartment. The three women stared at each other for a bit; it was Lexa who spoke first, snapping the other two out of their hazes. "Raven, you smell terrible." The mechanic offered a soft grunt in response; Clarke hugged her anyway. After an hour of gentle nudging, the two ladies convinced Raven that taking a shower would be a good idea. Without another word, Raven paused their game and hobbled over to the bathroom, her brace unceremoniously clashing into the limited furniture. "She is better than I thought," Clarke commented when she heard the door click shut. Lexa only hummed in response to which the blonde raised an eyebrow. "What? She let us in." Lexa had a pensive look on her face and said nothing. She simply got up and began to clean the apartment. Clarke followed suit, having known Raven the longest, she put herself in charge of placing Raven's various tools in their respective places while Lexa dealt with the dishes and cleaning the countertops - "orderly chaos" as Raven liked to refer it to. The couple worked in silence until Clarke's stomach rumbled, her internal clock letting Lexa know it was time to order pizza.  
  
After 20 minutes, Raven emerged from the bathroom, puffy eyed, clean and wanting something more than ice cream. On cue, Lexa interrupted her train of thought, "I ordered the usual - pineapple with bacon bits." Raven gave her a grateful smile. The curl of her lips felt weird, she couldn't remember the last time she smiled.  
  
Only she could.

* * *

  
It was the Sunday. Octavia and Raven had a long-standing agreement to dedicate each Sunday to them, even before they were a couple. They could lay in bed together, they could go out together with friends, they could be mad at each other or anything in between as long as it was together. That Sunday had been particularly special...well, it was supposed to be. That Sunday Raven was going to ask Octavia to move in with her. They already had keys to each other's places and Raven slipped the key off her neck sliding it into the lock having texted Octavia half an hour ago asking her to breakfast. Opening the door as quietly as possible, being careful not to drop her present, the brunette was surprised to see Octavia's bedroom door slightly ajar. The younger girl hated sleeping with the door open. She had the idea that if an intruder came in, she'd wake up to the door creaking or flying open, ready to defend herself (and Raven) at a moments notice. Weird, thought Raven as she set down her jacket and box. Raven sighed and slowly pushed the door completely open. The scene before her was certainly not what she expected - a bottomless girlfriend and a naked ex. It took her a bit to process the whole thing, so she just stared for a bit, an array of feelings boiling inside of her. Eventually, she steeled her jaw, shut the bedroom door and left the apartment.  
  
When Octavia woke up, she looked around, squinting through the light that was pouring into her room. Atom, she presumed, had left which was good for the younger girl, less awkward in the morning. Coffee was about the only thing on her mind when she finally willed herself to get up. Last night was starting to piece together - the text from Raven saying she was working late again, the impulse “yes” she gave to Atom when he asked her to drinks (knowing he wanted to hook up), the first kiss of the night from her ex...fuck, the girl groaned to herself. The smell of brewing coffee was just enough to wake her up, but the sight of the only jacket she hadn’t taken from Raven on the countertop was enough jolt her wide awake.  
  
Raven.  
  
As in, her girlfriend, Raven.  
As in, the girl who had waited for her for months after a messy breakup with Lincoln, Raven.  
As in, the girl who she used for one-sided meaningless sex for months after her breakup, Raven.  
As in, the girl who loved her even though Octavia used her, Raven.

As in the girl she just cheated on,  Raven.  
  
Raven.  
  
Raven had been in her apartment; Octavia all but sprinted to check her phone. Low and behold there was a text from Raven a little over an hour ago. "Good morning, my love. I am happy to say that last night was the night I officially completed my super secret project you've been dying to know about. I won't make you wait any longer to see what it is. Breakfast in 30?" The brunette physically shook her head in an attempt to declutter it, trying to make sense of all that had happened. Raven had been working on this project for months now and after the second month, Octavia blindly assumed she was staying late just to be around Wick. It was no secret that Wick had asked her out before they got together and when their relationship was still new. (It also wasn't a secret that Raven turned him down both times.)  
Octavia pressed a series of buttons, placing the phone to her ear. It didn't surprise her when the phone immediately went to voicemail and it didn't surprise Raven when she discovered she had nine voicemails waiting for her when she finally turned her phone on around one. (All of which she left unopened, not having the heart to delete them just yet.) Octavia relented after her 12th call, not wanting to annoy Raven more than she already had, so she dialed another number. "So," and uncharacteristically chipper voice picked up, "what did you say?" The brunette was silent (and albeit confused) and Bellamy looked at his phone to make sure the call was still live. "O, you there?"  
"Bell," a voice croaked, "I messed up. I messed up real bad this time." The older Blake didn’t even try to make a joke.

“I’ll be there in 20, okay?” Octavia nodded and Bellamy took the silence as permission to come over.

* * *

"Raven?" Lexa asked cautiously.

"What? Yeah, sorry. Were you saying something?"

"Only that it's good to see you smile." Raven gave a weak smile, as a thank you to the taller brunette.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Clarke asked. Raven stared blankly at her until the doorbell rang. Lexa checked her watch.

"Pizza's early. It usually takes them at least twenty minutes, must be a slow night." Lexa shuffled to her wallet and then to the door as Clarke held Raven's empty gaze. "Shit," mumbled Lexa as she turned around, blocking the Raven's line of sight to the door but holding a jacket and a box. "Clarke, I think you should come here. We have" the brunette paused giving the visitor a sideways glance, "...a guest." Before Clarke could turn around, she saw Raven's eyes go wide and a small shake of the head indicating she wasn't ready. Effectively, the couple switched places as Raven retreated to her room swiftly followed by Lexa.

"Octavia," Clarke gave her a smile, "what are you doing here?"

"What do you think, Clarke," the girl snapled, "I need..." Octavia swallowed the lump forming in her throat, "I messed up, Clarke." The blonde only nodded and moved to hug the younger girl who was now sobbing. "I was so dumb, Clarke," she finally managed to get out. Clarke nodded once more and held her tighter, her heart hurting for both Raven and Octavia. “Can I see her?” Octavia asked after a few minutes.

“That’s not up to me, O. You know that.” Clarke met Octavia’s tear-filled eyes, “Let me go see if she’s up for a visit.” The two girls in the doorway knew the answer, but it was the thought that counted, right? The blonde padded her way across the apartment and gave a soft knock on Raven’s door, “It’s me,” she offered.

“Yes,” was all she got in response before Raven opened the door and walked straight toward Octavia. Everyone in the apartment was shocked by Raven’s actions, most of all herself. She strode toward the youngest of the four, ignoring the way her leg was screaming at her to stop. Octavia straightened up, absolutely petrified of what was to come. Even at her worst, Raven did her best to remain calm and collected, patient as ever for the youngest Blake. Tonight however, Raven's eyes were stormy with fury. Octavia went to open her mouth, but saw the smallest shake of the head from the woman opposite her and promptly shut it. “Why?” Raven asked unnaturally calm.

Being smart, the shortest brunette chose her next words very carefully, “I was dumb.” Raven stared at her, calculating what she was going to say next.

“Again,” Raven finally said. “This is exactly what happened with Lincoln, O. You thought he didn’t love you enough so you sabotaged it for yourself. You don’t think you deserve love so you mess things up. You,” the mechanic took a deep breath, “you messed this up.” Both women looked as if they were going to break, but held each other's gazes.

“I know I was wrong, but you were with Wick again and I thought --”

“You’re kidding right?” Raven hissed as she examined the girl, astonished she would bring such a thing up. “Octavia Blake, you didn’t think, that’s what got us here. You didn’t think, you fell back into an old way of thinking and you’re an idiot. After all that we’ve been through, you really think I would cheat on you?” The question hit the girl like a freight train, because the more she rationally thought about it, the more she knew how ridiculous the notion was. Raven was right on all accounts, as per usual. “Three years, Octavia. Three fucking years, I’ve been helplessly in love with you, waiting for you, wanting you to be mine. It was selfish, but I wanted to be there for you and maybe even _with_ you. Who was there to pick you up after Atom? Who listened as you went into way too much depth about Lincoln? Who let you use her for months without giving a damn how much it hurt me?" Raven let out a tearful chuckle. "I knew, Octavia, that you would never love me back. But then, something changed and you did. Or, at least I thought you did” Before the youngest Blake could say anything, Raven retreated into her room to grab a box and returned to see a pained expression cross her girlfriend's face. Raven, who herself was seething, had a box in her hand which she threw on the ground to reveal her latest project. “You and your damn butterflies.” Raven chucked something at Octavia, knowing she had the reflexes to catch it. When Octavia caught it, her finger hit a switch at the base of the structure. Upon further examination, she realized she was holding a metal butterfly. Suddenly, a voice could be heard on small set of speakers where its antennas would be.

_“I never really told you the first time I knew I loved you. “ There was a soft chuckle that put a sad smile on Octavia’s face. “Do you remember Bellamy’s stupid party three years ago? The one where you got really drunk and I caught you dancing in the rain to Bon Iver? God, O, you were so damn beautiful. You are so damn beautiful. When I found you, you had this stupid grin on your face, like you were finally free. No more mom, no more feeling like the world was against you, no more...just no more. Out of nowhere, you started talking about this glow in the dark butterfly that was your friend when you were little. You told me it use to protect you from the monsters and take you anywhere you wanted to go. You even told me that sometimes you would just lay there and pretend you were one of them.” Another pause. “Hell, I don’t even know if you remember that night, but that was the night I knew. I knew then, O. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to sweep you off of your feet and take you everywhere with me. I wanted to see that smile and know I was the reason for it and I wanted you. I wanted you and because it was you, I knew I had to wait. You were already starting to see Lincoln and he made you happy. I know you feel like you don’t deserve to be happy, but you do. Octavia Blake, you deserve all the happiness in this damn world and one day, I’m going to give that to you. That smile, Octavia. The one that makes your eyes light up, that's the one I want to see when I ask you to move in with me...please?”_

Octavia held the butterfly in her hand like it was the most precious thing in the world. She was so mesmerized by Raven’s voice, she almost dropped it when the wings began to move causing a clear liquid to flow through the intricate design of the wings. Raven moved toward Octavia flicking off the lights in the room. Slowly, the liquid turned a vibrant blue. “Me and my damn butterflies,” whispered Octavia. Clarke and Lexa stared in awe at the contraption, feeling as if they were interrupting something that wasn’t meant for their eyes. All the same, they dared not move. The past few days were finally catching up to Raven and as she flicked the light back on, the younger girl could see the tiredness sweeping her features. “You wanted me --” Octavia barely choked out. Raven gave a tired nod. The shorter brunette cleared her throat and moved to touch Raven’s arm. “What do you need, Rae?” Raven stared at Octavia’s hand on her arm, afraid it would be the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back.

“Time. Just...I need time.” Octavia nodded and collected her thoughts. She looked as if she wanted to say something, but physically shook her head, ridding herself of the thought. “Sunday, 7pm,” Raven said as Octavia turned to leave. The smaller girl gave a curt nod and walked out the door, quietly shutting it behind her. As the door clicked shut, it seemed as if the tension of the last few minutes fell from the air, landing on Raven’s shoulders. The mechanic numbly walked over to the sofa and sat down flinching as a knock came from the door. Lexa moved to her wallet once more and opened the door. Quickly, she handed some bills over to the delivery man, but he shook his head.

“Already paid for. I think it was one of those, RAK’s or whatever, ran into a girl on the way up.” Lexa nodded, taking the pizza from the delivery man with a quiet thank you. As she turned around, she could see Clarke with an arm around Raven, the girl leaning into the blonde, shoulders moving up and down without rhythm.

"She promised, Clarke," heaved Raven. "She promised that we'd come first and that she wouldn't hurt me again." Lexa thought back to the early stages of their relationship, how reckless Octavia was with Raven's heart. Just a few weeks after she asked the older woman out, Raven caught Octavia making a pass at a not so sober Lincoln. Lexa very well thought Raven was going to kick her cousin's ass...or perhaps worse. A soft hum from her own girlfriend brought her back to reality. Clarke threw a glance at Lexa, one that said "we need to fix this", to which the tall brunette nodded. Her plan was risky, but it worked when she and Clarke had their issues so she hoped it would work for Raven and Octavia. Subtlety grabbing her phone, Lexa shot a text to Octavia.

 _Don't talk, just listen_.

Seconds later she got a one-word response - okay. Lexa immediately called Octavia and put the phone on speaker.

"-- ya know?" Was the first thing she could hear out of her broken girlfriend's mouth. "I thought we were doing better...she promised, Clarke. She said she was done and then the Lincoln night happened and I should have been done but I -- why can't I be done with her?" Clarke held the girl tighter as she continued, "She knew that I was into her, and at least some part of her knew that when we first started hooking up after she and Lincoln broke up. I just wanted to be selfish. Just this once I thought,  maybe my mom was wrong. Maybe I could be happy. I just, I want her and I can't stop. That's all I've ever wanted - the stupid little Blake that loves her fucking butterflies. I always did." Before now, neither Lexa, Clarke nor Octavia realized how much Raven was in love with and sacrificed for this girl. Raven didn't keep her feelings hidden despite all efforts, but the extent to which she felt was unimagined by the couple in the room, and most of all, Octavia. "I was so damn selfish," Raven added which caused Clarke to say something Octavia couldn't quite pick up. "I wanted to be the one to make her happy. I worked for months on that stupid project, even asked Bellamy for his stupid blessing before I entertained the idea of being with O. I -- he even said yes when I asked him if I could ask her to move in. I thought that I did everything right, Clarke. What did I do wrong?" It had been a long time since the blonde saw Raven this broken and she couldn't help but pull her closer. Much like Octavia's tendency of self-sabotage, Raven had a habit of her own - taking the blame. For everything. Lexa looked at the two women on the couch and put her phone on a nearby side table. "Raven," she spoke, trying to calm the woman, "do you remember what you told me when I thought Clarke was getting back with Finn?" The mechanic nodded. "What did you tell me?"  
  
"That --" Raven chocked out, "that it wasn't your fault and this wasn't your mess to fix." Lexa smiled and nodded.  
  
"You were right when you said that because you knew I thought I wasn't doing enough for her. Turns out Clarke was being an idiot," Lexa chanced a look at her girlfriend who surprised her with an encouraging smile, "but it worked out in my favor. Which you were right about too. Rae, you're right about a lot of things, but not this one. This isn't yours to fix. Octavia messed up, she knows it and you do too." Raven stared at Lexa, extracted herself from Clarke and crawled into the taller brunette's arms. The three stayed like that until their stomachs alerted them of their hunger. By now, their pizza was cold, but pizza was still pizza. Later that evening, the happy couple made their exit leaving Raven in her apartment, assuring her that she was strong enough to stay by herself the next few nights. (Of course, they mentioned that their door was always to the mechanic as it had been since Sunday night.) She felt lighter, not necessarily better, but she was getting there.  
  
The following 48 hours blurred together between throwing herself into work and avoiding the urge to run to Octavia. That is, until three knocks sounded through her apartment. Raven took a deep breath and checked her watch. 6:52pm. Octavia was early.


	2. I Thought I Dreamed Her

Octavia Blake was not one to get nervous. She was not one to avoid her problems either, but Raven Reyes made Octavia all sorts of wonky. The instructor in training had been glancing at her watch all day trying to speed up time, or slow it down, she couldn't tell. The last week had been frustratingly slow and it was near agonizing not being able to talk with Raven. She tried going out with Lexa and Clarke, but after an hour into their Saturday night the couple deemed her too grumpy to have fun. Even so, after she left to return home, Lexa got a call a little after midnight asking if they had room for one more.

Of course, Lexa said yes.

Octavia definitely didn't know that Raven had been spending the week in their spare bedroom and definitely didn't ask to come over to be able to let Raven’s scent ease her to sleep.

(Only she definitely did.)

Lexa greeted the girl at the door ten minutes later, "Did you run here?" the taller woman asked. Octavia only nodded and pushed her way through. "Clarke is sleeping, you're welcome to use the shower. If you need anything, wake me up." Again, Octavia nodded and mumbled a thank you. Lexa moved to hug the smaller girl. "It's gonna be okay, O. Just give it time," she spoke softly. Lexa gave Octavia a soft kiss on her forehead before retreating into her room and Octavia smiled as the older woman grumbled about Clarke being a bed hog.

Within 20 minutes, Octavia was crawling into bed and inhaled deeply, her heart aching as she inhaled Raven’s absence. She hadn't slept this long with Raven in over a year, even in the late stages of her and Lincoln's relationship she spent more nights at Raven's than she should have. Sleep caught her quickly, and for the first time in six nights, she woke up feeling lighter. Maybe not better, but lighter.

She tried to remember that feeling as she waited outside of Raven's door. She glanced at her phone, making sure Raven didn't text her, or perhaps hoping Raven did. To no avail, a phone with no new messages was staring back at her. The clock read 6:48 pm. She was early. Octavia told herself she would wait until seven, but gave up after 30 seconds and told herself she would wait five minutes before knocking on the door.

She only made it four.

A soft click signified that the door was unlocked, but no one on the inside opened it. Instead, she faintly heard Raven’s uneven steps get quieter.

"I'm going to come in now..." the younger girl hollered, though she wasn't sure for who's benefit.

"You're early," is all Raven said to which Octavia nodded, her eyes trained on the woman on the couch. The shorter girl moved to set her stuff down on the table and sat down on the table across from Raven, forcing the girl to look up. Octavia opened her mouth to speak and then shut it, which she proceeded to do a few more times. "Sucks, doesn't it?" Octavia  furrowed her brows in confusion. "Planning out everything only to get to the conversation and not know what to say." Octavia nodded and Raven gave a weak smile. Boldly, Raven opened her arms, "Comere, O." Octavia was a bit too shocked to move, "It's not a trap, just, come here." At that, Octavia got up and practically fell into the older woman, not bothering to stifle her tears.

"Raven," she began, "I didn't --"

"I know, O. But you did, and this time... I don't know what to do." Raven began to thread her fingers through Octavia's hair. Feeling her physically relax at her touch, Raven continued. "You really don't know how much I love you, do you? I even asked your stupid brother --" she was interrupted when Octavia placed a hand on her bum leg.

"I know. Lexa may or may not have pulled what we did with her and Clarke." She could see the wheels turning in her girlfriend's head.

"Huh," grunted Raven, "son of a gun. Karma really is a bitch I guess." Octavia could see Raven beginning to retreat into her shell.

"Don't go anywhere on me, not now. I didn't know you asked Bell...though it makes sense. When I called him he asked me if I said yes. He told me the reason you were working with Wick is because you couldn't figure out how to make it glow for more than an hour."

"I wanted it to be perfect, O."

"Clearly, you stooped so low as to as Kyle" teased the shorter girl.

"Not my finest moment, but worth it to see you smile," Raven replied quietly.

Octavia looked up at the girl holding her, "Why are you being nice to me. I thought there would be a lot more...I don't know. Screaming?" Raven shook her head and kissed the girl on her temple.

"If my mother taught me anything, it was that screaming doesn't solve too much," Raven spoke into Octavia's temple and placed a soft, pensive kiss there.

Octavia nodded with a sad look on her face. "Hmm?" questioned the older woman.

"Why does that feel like that was our last kiss?" Raven swallowed hard taking a deep breath; Octavia prepared for the worst.

"You wanna know something?" Octavia nodded. "I don't regret staying with you after what happened with Lincoln. I really don't, but I wish it happened differently, the way I took you back. You slept your way back to me, and I let you." Shame filled the younger girl, which Raven took note of, but continued anyway, afraid she wouldn't be brave enough to say what she wanted to in any other instance. "Months, O. For months you knew how much I loved you and I let you exploit that after you and Lincoln had your falling out. I was at your beck and call while you slept with one person after another. Did you even think about how much it hurt me?" Raven was getting visibly upset as her voice shook and her heart started beating a bit faster. "You knew how whole sex made me feel after the accident and yet you ruined me for anything that moved. You had me sitting there, watching you fall apart and blowing up at me if I tried to help."

"I didn't ask you to," Octavia offered weakly.

"No, you didn't. But you knew I would." Octavia couldn't deny that or the hurt she saw in her girlfriend's eyes. "You ruined me and I let you. For that, I'm not sure who I am more upset with."

"This...is mine to fix. But I just need one thing from you - tell me this can still be fixed."

Raven was silent and Octavia's head was spinning about 3000 miles a minute. "Honestly? I don't know. You can't just expect me to crawl home to you all the time and as much as it hurts, I can't crawl home to you every time. The thought of you with anyone but me... I can't _not_ love you."

"So don't," pleaded the younger Blake. Raven almost broke there, seeing Octavia  so vulnerable and afraid and it took her much more will power than she expected not to give into Octavia then and there.

"I can't not love you," she repeated, "but I can't keep making excuses for you either." There. She said it, and as she said it both girls broke. Raven’s grip loosened on Octavia as Octavia’s grip tightened around Raven. They lay there, holding each other until Raven finally shifted causing Octavia to look up. "Stay the night." Octavia looked dumbfounded at the woman's request. "Not like that, I just -- stay."

"Of course." Raven moved to get up and trudged into her bedroom to change, shutting the door behind her. Still a bit shocked, Octavia slowly got up and went into the bathroom emerging minutes later to find Raven on the brink of sleep. "Can I..." Octavia paused realizing she perhaps should have taken the couch.

"Don't be stupid, O. We've had too much of that this week." Octavia sighed, a little disappointed, but moved to leave the room. "I said, don't be stupid, O." The girl smiled and practically jumped into bed. Raven immediately rolled into her arms, nuzzling her head into her shoulder. Raven's breathing never evened out like it normally did, in fact, it seemed like she was trying a bit too hard to keep it even. The younger girl nudged Raven who just burrowed deeper into Octavia's shoulder. As she moved, Octavia felt a damp spot on her shirt, finally realizing that her girlfriend had in fact been crying.

"Rae...I am so sorry."

"For what, Octavia. You say it but do you know what you're apologizing for?"

"Hurting you, sleeping with Atom, not trusting us..."

"It's funny because it could have been anyone, but you went with an ex all because you couldn't wait two months. I waited years for you, O. Years. Years of not being able to see anyone --"

"I never said you couldn't Raven," Octavia raised her voice a bit wanting to be clear she didn't _make_ Raven wait for her, but instead caused the woman behind her to sit up abruptly.

"I couldn't see anyone because the thought of being with anyone else made me sick. I've wanted you since I met you and I've loved you since that stupid night, but I couldn't have you. First it was Bellamy telling me no, then it was you with Atom, then it was you too sad to handle anything emotional, then I thought maybe we could try, but you got hung up on Lincoln as soon as I helped you pick up the pieces that were Atom, then you were with Lincoln and -- how can you not see that it's always been you?"

"Because I don't deserve you!" Octavia roared, standing up and beginning to pace. "I don't deserve someone who wants to give me the world, I don't deserve you waiting for me. I don't deserve your patience or love or --"

"That isn't your call to make. I made the decision to be with you, to make you happy, to want you, but you -- you don't get to take that decision away. My mother did enough of that." To some extent, Raven knew she was pulling out the mother card just to make the younger girl feel guilty, but damn if she could help it. "I don't give a damn about the world if I can't have you. We both know I'm not going anywhere so just -- can we drop it?"

Before she could help it, Octavia shook her head.

"Three years, you waited for me. You waited for me. For three years."

"Thank you for reminding me how pathetic I am. Can we move on now?"

Octavia shook her head as she moved closer to Raven, her lips touching Raven’s tear soaked ones just barely. The older woman physically started to shake. "I can't, Octavia. If we -- I can't. Not tonight." Octavia nodded, not expecting anything more. Instead, she lay back down, opening her arms to Raven as she did for her on the couch. Raven stared at her for a bit before placing a chaste kiss on the younger girl's lips. It wasn't perfect, it wasn't sensual, but for now it was enough because Octavia was here and that's about all Raven dared asked for.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be honest, I didn't expect it to end this way.


	3. Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brief backstory to set up the last chapter.

By the time Raven was 21, she had been emancipated for five years and independent for the better part of her life. Coming home to mother monster every day got tiring by the time she was eight, so she simply decided to not come home. As soon as she hit 16, she already had the petition for emancipation drawn up and filed it the day of her birthday - probably the best present she had given to herself. The day of the decision, Raven held her own as she had for quite some time. The provided attorney was distant, but not blind to the girl’s situation. He assured Raven that there was no way the judge would decide against her emancipation; it also helped that her mother showed up to court hungover. Once the papers were finalized, Raven was on her own.

Quite literally.

Raven was a smart kid, and she knew they once she legally cut ties with her mother there would be no turning back. In school, Raven had her friends, but Clarke was her best friend; a relationship that solidified sophomore year when she showed up at Clarke’s unannounced with a not so mysterious swollen face and split lip. The blonde certainly had her suspicions as the future mechanic would tense up and avoid family conversation at all costs, but it wasn’t until that night she realized the severity of the situation. Since that night, Raven had a place in the Griffin house. The family helped her through the emancipation, but respected Raven’s wishes to deal with the majority of it on her own.

They all quickly learned that Raven was a fiercely passionate person whose independence was crucial to her survival, which was understandable. She had counted on her mother to provide for her, support her, or at the very least acknowledge her. Lest to say, she did none of that. Raven’s self-sufficiency became second nature by the time she was seven and seldom did she ask for help. Conversation was light and generally humorous with a touch of sarcasm. On the day of her emancipation, both Abby and Jake officially asked Raven to move in with them, not out of pity but out of pride. To their pleasant surprise, the girl agreed and moved in the next day.

By the end of sophomore year, Raven could talk about nothing more than getting out of town and starting her own life. Nothing short of a genius, she had catered her high school schedule so that she could graduate a year early. Understandably, the Griffin’s were saddened, but empathetic to the girl’s desires. That summer, Clarke and Raven spent as much time as possible, not wanting to waste their last summer of high school together. Come September, Raven was ready to take on her senior year.

Only, it wasn’t going to be her senior year.

The night before school started, the Clarke had a tradition with her parents to go out to a local ice cream shop. This year, Raven gladly tagged along wanting nothing more than to spend time with her family. The four walked out, and crossed the street, making their way to a nearby gazebo. As soon as they crossed the road, they saw a car swerve into another, causing the two of them to veer off the road. Instantaneously, the one car flipped into lamp post which toppled over, nearly missing Jake. The other landed upside down a few feet away from the family, bursting into flames. The whole event happened all too quickly for anyone to process. One moment, a lamp post was falling and the next the four of them were on the ground covering their heads from the exploding car.

Abby was the first one up out of the four of them. Once she made sure she could move and hadn’t suffered any serious injuries, she moved to find Clarke. In the process, she stumbled over something, rather someone. To her relief, it Jake in one piece, uncrushed and on his side. It wasn’t until she turned her husband on his side that she saw the damage that had been done. In the explosion, a piece of the glass had embedded itself in his side while another had apparently sliced his leg as he was bleeding quite rapidly around what looked like his femoral artery. Abby couldn’t hear her screams over the approaching sirens, but Clarke certainly could. Within moments, Clarke was beside her frantic mother who was trying desperately to stop the bleeding. The blonde herself had a few cuts along her body, but she got lucky. The EMT’s arrived promptly and began to work on Jake, having to physically tear Abby away from her husband. In her adrenaline filled state, Abby explained what happened, that she was Dr. Abby Griffin, a surgical attending at the local hospital and that her husband was the one in critical condition. She then re-explained her story when the police arrived on the scene leaving Clarke to go find her friend.

Raven was fully aware of what happened. Two asshole drivers and a lot of alcohol, all the more reason to stay away from it in her mind. Growing up with an alcoholic mother wasn’t much of a treat and almost getting run over by one was just icing on the cake. She could hear the sirens approach, she heard Abby scream through the smoke filled air and she could hear Clarke calling out her name. The brunette hollered back, and moved to get up, but quickly found she couldn’t. Raven couldn’t move her legs and once that realization hit her, she began to panic. When Clarke finally found her, she stared for a moment, before rushing over to her and immediately began to vet her for serious injuries. Raven stayed silent the whole time, afraid of saying anything. Afraid that if she admitted that she couldn't feel her legs let alone move them that the reality would be all too true. It wasn’t until Clarke moved around the poor girl that she saw it; the piece of car that was lodged a good few inches into Raven’s spine. The doctor in training looked at Raven and told her that the EMT’s were coming. Gratefully, Raven nodded and took a breath that broke the proverbial damn. “I’m scared,” she all but choked out to the blonde. Clarke extended her hand for Raven to take, not wanting to further the girl’s injuries. She wondered if there was something right to say as she held the brunette’s glance.

“I know,” she whispered, as she let her own tears fall. “Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't intend on extending this, but as I wrote out the final chapter, it felt like something was missing. Perhaps this was it.


	4. I'll Crawl Home to Her

After their night together, the days muddled together for both Octavia and Raven. The former would send occasional texts to Raven, unsure if she should push the older woman or let her be. Octavia tried desperately to maintain a regimented schedule, not wanting her frayed relationship to affect other parts of her life.

She failed miserably but wasn’t the only one.

Raven abandoned most of her projects opting to work from her apartment which was quickly becoming cramped due to the lack of tidiness and overall apathy. She clung to her phone desperately, treasuring the texts she received from Octavia, but couldn’t bring herself to reply.

She wasn’t ready, not yet.

On Friday, Lexa made an appearance, both cooking and tidying up Raven’s apartment to her the mechanic’s liking. Not much was exchanged that night, but Raven certainly appreciated the normalcy is created. The third Friday of every month, the two made a point to hang out in some form, even it was for a five-minute chat. In the beginning of Clarke’s relationship with the curly haired brunette, Raven did not take too kindly to Lexa. After weeks of passive aggressive comments and filthy stares, Clarke finally confronted Raven about her obvious distaste towards her new girlfriend of the time. During that conversation, Raven’s opinion of Lexa was far from hidden. The mechanic in training thought Lexa was cold and heartless, devoid of emotion and didn’t have a backbone. The brunette knew she was giving Lexa a hard time, but it was partly to see if she would stand up for herself, if she could do that, she could stand up for Clarke and therefore deserved the blonde’s heart. Clarke was silent at Raven’s brutal honesty, but expected it none the less. What she didn’t expect was her response. It took a few months of prying and pushing boundaries, but Clarke finally learned why Lexa was so reserved with her behavior. It all came spilling out at once, Lexa’s conservative family, her close relationship with Anya, losing Anya, losing Costia, and Gustus using her as a means to her family’s fortune by exploiting Lexa’s emotional state.

After being told, Raven was stunned into silence. She herself had a fair share of familial issues, but hers seemed so petty compared to Lexa’s. Not that Lexa’s experience took away from her own, but it certainly put her attitude toward the introvert into perspective.

The following Friday happened to be the third Friday of the month. Raven showed up with a six-pack of beer and fresh pizza much to Lexa’s surprise. In her little time knowing the mechanic, Lexa learned that Raven did **not** drink. Rather, she only did under certain circumstances. Alarmed, Lexa allowed Raven to come in; the latter plopped down on the couch, opened a beer and chugged half the bottle in a few seconds. “Raven,” Lexa began cautiously, “what’s going on?”

_“You’re a real piece of work, ya know that?” Lexa nodded ever so subtly. “You’re also a bitch who has a perpetual stick up your ass.” At that, Lexa quirked an eyebrow._

_"Raven, if you just came here to insult me, then maybe you should --" Raven took an impressive sip of her beer before interrupting the cautious brunette._

_"Clarke told me," she said simply. Raven watched as the perplexed face on Lexa's faced changed into one of understanding for a slight second before the walls went up. As soon as she made the connection, Lexa sat a bit straighter and looked just past Raven. "I thought you were just a bitch. I assumed," Raven finished the bottle before continuing, "I was wrong, and I'm sorry." To say the least, the pre-law student did not expect those words. Lexa looked around her apartment, overcome with the feeling that it was a lot smaller that it already was. Her eyes moved from the empty countertop to the floor in discomfort._

_“She shouldn’t have told you,” Lexa began, “that -- wasn’t her story to tell.”_

_Raven opened another beer and took a long pull before responding, “I’ll say so.” She mused for a bit, “One hell of a story though.” Lexa helped herself to a beer and practically chugged the whole thing. Impressed, Raven continued. “I never knew my father, my mother gave up everything to drink and I haven’t seen or heard from her since I was 16. I moved in with the Griffins after I got emancipated, loved Jake and together we all mourned for his death. Got a full ride to MIT, almost dropped out my junior year because of my leg, graduated, got an internship with one of Jake’s old buddies and here we are.” Lexa noted that Raven sounded hollow, like she had placed a scratched up vinyl on a turntable that automatically rattled through her life._

_“Here we are,” Lexa replied raising her beer and promptly finishing it off. She held Raven’s gaze until a smile spread across the mechanic’s lips pulling at the corners of Lexa’s lips. The night progressed past the initial awkwardness until Lexa assessed that Raven was pushing a drink too many. For not drinking, Raven could certainly hold her alcohol, but Lexa knew well enough to cut her off before things got messy. “This has been...pleasant. Thank you for stopping by, Raven.” The soon to be mechanic could hear the sincerity in Lexa’s voice and gave her a relaxed smile as a ‘you’re welcome’. It was at that point during the night Lexa carefully helped to her bed, tucked her in as Raven dozed off and left only to return with a glass of water and ibuprofen. Lexa mouthed a thank you to the sleeping brunette before setting herself up to sleep on the couch._

Between Clarke and Lexa, they seemed to be keeping the couple from self-destructing. Clarke tended to Octavia while Lexa attended to Raven. It was abundantly clear to anyone that Raven and Octavia were better with each other, but the former needed time which was to be respected. For both of them, feeling hopeless was not a strong suit. Friday came around and Raven had yet to text Octavia. Once 7pm rolled around, she felt she was being a bit dramatic and shot a short text to the younger woman.

 **Raven About You:** Get knocked down...

Octavia looked at the screen as soon as she felt her phone buzz, "Raven," she breathed out with a lazy smile.

 **OBlakes So Fine:** get back up.

 **Raven About You:** Hailing Blake, O. Please return to mech station, I repeat, please return to mech station.

 **OBlakes So Fine:** *kirsh* Aye aye Reyes, be there in 10. Over and out. *kirsh*

Octavia was sure to grab her wallet before flying out of Clarke and Lexa's apartment, she sprinted to Raven's building and up three flights of stairs before taking a giant gasp of air, collecting herself. The door opens with the help of Octavia's confident knocks. She enters, a bit perplexed and suddenly unsure but shuts the door behind her anyway. She finds her girlfriend curled up under a blanket, eyes glued to the television and can't help but to smile. Raven is watching a "How It's Made" marathon and Octavia is beaming with a heart full of pride. She vaulted over the couch, landing skillfully next to Raven who acknowledges her presence by opening the blanket just slightly. The younger woman takes this as an invitation to join and soon finds her head resting on Raven's shoulder. After a few moments of stillness, Octavia can hear Raven mumbling. "What was that?"

"I said," Raven began, "I miss you and I don't want to fight because I can't sleep without you, but I'm scared you're going to leave just like --" she was cut by soft, shaking lips pressed against hers.

"Raven, I am not going anywhere." Octavia was met with uncertain yet hopeful eyes. "I know I made you wait and after everything I am surprised that you still want me, but this?" Octavia paused placing her hand carefully over Raven's heart, "This is not something I want to hurt because of me. You're not to be won nor claimed and I am so sorry for belittling you in the past. For using you as a body, not realizing how much I was hurting my best friend..." The brunette trailed off. When she looked at Raven, she was met with a hard face and soft eyes. Raven lunged forward knocking over her water as she moved to straddle Octavia.

"That went a lot smoother in my head," she smiled and spoke with such adoration for the woman beneath her. "O, all I have wanted is a chance to be with you. The real Octavia Blake. The one that has too much of an ego, is so intensely difficult to love, but so worth it. You are reckless, but all I want is to be brave enough to be reckless with you." Without a word Octavia lifted Raven, carrying her to the bedroom and placed her down gently.

"I'll be right back," she promised. Octavia could have sworn she saw Raven pout a bit, but didn't bother to give it much thought. Hastily, she turned off the television, cleaned up the water as best she could and returned to Raven's room. When she entered, she immediately noticed that Raven was in nothing but underwear. Octavia's mouth went dry with shock, love and lust. "Admittedly, I am confused. I don’t want you to feel like we have to do anything, I literally just said that this isn’t about sex  and --"

Raven simply smirked before reaching up for Octavia placing a hot kiss on her neck effectively ceasing her ramblings. “Try and keep up,” she whispered into Octavia’s ear as she pulled the younger girl on top of her. Octavia blinked before fully understanding, pulling her top over her head, and pinning Raven’s hands over her head. Octavia held her there, mentally devouring Raven. Distracted, Raven flipped Octavia onto her back and wasted no time kissing her without hesitation. “I told you,” Raven mumbled into a collarbone, “keep up.”

For the first time and many months, the two women fully relaxed into each other, utterly exhausted. Octavia slipped her hand into Raven’s and looked at her sleepy form. A content smile splayed across the very lips that promised the stars and earth against her flesh. Her body buzzed with contentment while her head spun intoxicated with Raven’s presence. Octavia settled into Raven’s body with a smile of her own. As she drifted off to sleep, she heard a soft “love you” from her girlfriend. She returned it with a reverent kiss to the forehead and a soft “I love you” of her own. Soon after, both women were asleep, physically exhausted and emotionally satisfied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
